*First off, I need to apologise for not writing to you all in so long. Zero energy means I haven’t been able to update you all on my journey. No worries though, although I’m still in that exact same situation, I need to write to you all, on an issue very close to my heart. So please, sit back and relax, whilst you get the next part of my life situations!*
Recently, with me feeling so poorly both physically and mentally again, I have realised that it is so important to try and get my support out to different people again. I do this because I don’t want anyone to feel alone. I need to get my story out there, not only for my sake, but to make others realise that it is okay not to be okay!
I feel so lost, I feel like I have a load of friends and family around me, but breaking down at least once a day on one of them isn’t fair. Everyday I feel like I can’t cope, I feel so overwhelmed with all the steps of recovery, and it makes me feel so isolated. Although I got the best possible support available from a unit, it couldn’t last long. Which then made me feel even more worthless, I needed support and even though I lost more weight, I still got told to leave and have community care. Although I was upset, I couldn’t fault or blame any of them. Because for the time I was in there I started to feel like me and feel alive again, it’s just a shame it didn’t last long enough for the benefit to truly help and continue! However, I made some of the very best friends in there, that help me so much, we’re all in this recovery process together and that is the nicest feeling.
I get continued community support and I appreciate that so much. I just feel like after a half an hour visit, my closest circle of friends and family truly see what is behind closed doors. We speak out and cry our eyes out together, but it is just a shame that because of funding that I can not get the proper support that I need. However, because of another service I finally feel like I can open up and hopefully get the right mental health support I need. You shouldn’t look forward to something like this right? But I am, because I have hit the point where it feels like this is the option that will quite honestly save my life, with no exaggeration whatsoever.
Recently though, I have watched a documentary on channel four called “The Truth About Anorexia: Wasting Away”. Mark and Maddy Austin shared their story on Anorexia and Mental Health Issues, I finally felt like someone understood exactly how I was feeling. In this, they related to me so well, when they said things that I constantly hear. Why should we have to be close to dying to get intensive support? Why should we have to fight to get help? I always think of it like a ladder, sounds strange I know, but there is a method behind my example, I promise! You have to be told that there is always someone worse then you, so you get put back down to the bottom of this ladder, and fight hard to get back up to the top. In my personal experience, I have been put in A&E with needing nutrients and rehydration. This as well as a psychiatric assessment. But despite all this, the ladder is still so high to climb.
This is no ones fault, it is lack of funding in mental health care. If someone breaks their leg though, they wouldn’t turn away another patient that walks through that door after them. But, if that was down to mental health conditions, I’m sure that would be a different story, which quite basically breaks my heart! Someone could be in resuscitation in A&E and they will get saved. Someone could come in saying they have suicidal thoughts, but no intention of physically taking up that decision, they get turned away. It upsets me, because it is exactly the same amount of seriousness as an illness that you can physically see, but there still isn’t the funding to he put into mental health conditions!
I fight everyday to mentally stay alive, trying to remind myself that my scars are just battle wounds. The reason I have written this blog is to raise more awareness of the topic in hand. I know I am not the only one feeling like I am, so if I could reach out to them and just be a shoulder to cry on, when they feel alone I would do it in a heartbeat.
I want to say a massive thank you to Mark and Maddy Austin, for giving me the inspiration and confidence I needed to write this. Everyone always remember this quote… “It’s okay to be a glow stick, sometimes you have to break before you can shine!”.
It would mean the world to me if you could all share this, in order to reach out and raise the best awareness we can! I hope this has helped everyone around me too.
Sending lots of love and pink and sparkly positivity,