Constantly Feeling Like A Faliure…

* DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY MENTAL ILLNESS*

First of all, I need to apologise for not blogging in ages. My life went from what most people would consider normal, to very abnormal very quickly. But, I’m back and I’m here to share more of my story, so sit back and relax, it’s time to read again!
The last time I wrote to you guys was when I had just got myself a job, well after months of campaignning for my job launch that all went a bit wrong. I only managed about a month with working every weekend and I couldn’t understand why all of a sudden I couldn’t cope, then it all became very clear. All of you who follow my blog will know that I have Cerebral Palsy, but I’ve never let that change who I am, I thought that without a doubt that would be my worst card dealt in life and I would be able to cope with anything else life decides to throw at me… but I was wrong! 

I have struggled with Depression and Anxiety since early last year and it’s got me down but I’ve always been able to stay in control, until now. I have been diagnosed with an Eating Disorder and it’s changed my life forever, I’ve never really been a big eater, but it’s never really been an issue until earlier this year, but especially the last few months. An Eating Disorder is more than just not wanting to eat now and again, an Eating Disorder is a battle and a battle with your own mind. It’s not wanting to eat food because you feel bad for eating, it’s being petrified anytime the idea of getting weighed comes up, it’s feeling like rubbish every single time you do eat, because you feel like you’ve lost control or a few more calories change your next weigh in. 

Everyone knows that when you don’t eat enough during the day, you have no energy to even do a simple task like hold a pen or take notes. So my eating disorder resulted in me having to leave college, because I didn’t have the energy and it also has had a really knock one effect with my depression and anxiety. The thought of leaving the house to go to college got too much to handle because I can’t let people see me like this, then I left work because I felt the same and answering the phone got too much to handle and I couldn’t cope. Still now to this day I can’t cope, someday I feel like I can conquer the world whereas other days I need to stay in bed and sleep the day away, because the world is too much of a scary place! 

I feel like a constant let down to my family, because to them mental illness is like a cold, so you should just “get over it”. I’m the family member who left college twice, I’m the family member who couldn’t keep a job. I know it’s not their fault though, mental illnesses are a nightmare to understand and I’m really appreciative of everything they have done for me through this so far and still are doing. Also, apologies to all my friends that I’ve shut out, I’m just trying to fix myself and not drag you all down with me.

I’m determined to get to a better place though, I’m determined to win this on going battle. Thank you to everyone reading this who have supported me so far, it means so much! If it’s not okay then it’s not the end❤️

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