Dear Eating Disorder…

 *Don’t read if you’re easily triggered* 
Dear eating disorder, this letter is for you..
 Dear eating disorder, can I have a break yet? Can I just have one day where you leave me alone, where I can have a normal life. I’m bored of constantly having to please you, or to do every order you tell me. I’m me, I’m Iesha I’m an 18 year old who should be enjoying her life but instead I’m being completely controlled by everything you’re telling me to do, you make me feel exactly how you think I should and I can’t change that, do I not deserve a break yet?
Dear eating disorder, can I have some energy yet? I’d love a day where I can get up in the morning and actually have the energy to complete just a simple task, like brushing my teeth without having to feel like I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders. But instead, I can only just manage to sit up or press the controls on my chair to make myself move, even that you tell me I should be crying because it’s using too much energy. I have an apprenticeship to start next week, I just pray you won’t mess that up for me too. 
Dear eating disorder, can I make my friends and family proud yet? To them I’m just being “rude” or “lazy” when I say I can’t face a family dinner, but you know yourself that isn’t the case. It’s you controlling me so much that I can’t face sitting around a table and eating dinner, you’ve made me think that’s my worst nightmare, so now it is! I wish they could see how you’ve taken over me, so to “think positive” or “be proud of myself” is just out of the question. You’ve made me look like I don’t want to try or like I enjoy being sad, which I really don’t… they just can’t understand any of this!
Dear eating disorder, can I tell someone how I really feel? All you let me say is “I don’t like eating” and then when I get asked why you make me reply “I don’t know”. But the truth is me and you both know why, you just won’t let me say. We both know that we don’t like having food inside my body, because it’s a failure and the sad thing is I’ve learnt to believe you. I want my calorie intake to have gone up a bit so that my weight goes up, but you make me believe it’s better if it’s lower and it’s bad if I eat more so I can’t maintain a weight and at 18 years old I’m the weight a 10 year old should be, please just let me be myself?
So yes, eating disorder this is for you. You’re not my friend at all, you already have done and will continue to ruin my life. I want to be me, but you’ve convinced me that my life is better with you in it. I know you won’t give me anything that I have just asked you for in this letter but I wanted to try. I guess you won’t stop until you’ve won, but trust me you already have and soon we’ll end up in hospital together if you don’t stop, but I guess that’s what you want. Everyone tells me to beat your voice in my head, but they don’t know it is constant battle I have with you. In a sad sort of way you’re the only one who will ever understand this battle, but that’s because you made the rules up yourself… I just wish you could make everyone else understand them too, so that they can help me a bit more! But hey, eating disorder this is me and you on this battle. For now it’s you in control, but trust me one day it’ll be me in control, just you wait… Dear eating disorder.
Not so much love,
Iesha

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