I often ask myself how she got here, from that little girl who first sat up on a sledge at five years old. To the little girl who was front row in nativities even as a sheep, to the little girl who was full of confidence and loved her for who she was. Now though, what has happened?
At eighteen years old that same girl will sit in front of the mirror and cut off her body, even by putting my arm around herself. She took a picture with her best friend of seven years, who is actually like her little brother, she smiled in the mirror and to begin with her reaction was like “aw thats cute”. But after that, she looked back and I thought to herself, “I look beyond disgusting!”. So where has that girl gone?
Let me tell you, I know that girl… That girl now lies awake every night and fights everyday. She fights against an invisible demon, whenever she is surrounded by food that demon takes control and she physically can not eat because, even though everyone else around her is allowed to eat, she is not because the fear of what she will feel after from this demon is just too much to handle. So this girl won’t eat food but then in the real world gets told that not eating is not allowed to happen at all, why? Because this girl will apparently end up having kidney failure and anything else… Resulting in eventual DEATH!
‘Death’ is a scary word don’t you think? Well, I can now tell you that this girl is no longer scared of it. Because to her, the anxiety she faced by just walking out her front door was just as scary. The past this girl had growing up from the age of nine until she was sixteen was crippling her over in fear. She got told to “let go of the past and live life in the present and the future”. But this girl couldn’t do that, because almost like a CD stuck on a song, it constantly replayed in her head, so I know that she can’t just let go of it. I also know that it scares this girl to pick up the phone, it scares this girl to sit in a classroom but then when she does, the teachers pushed her one step closer and tried to get her to talk in a presentation. Well, I can also tell you thats not the worst part, because in that same presentation it is based on nutrients and calorie intake… Resulting in one huge breakdown, but then those popular girls think that its just for attention.
That exact same girl, dreaded summer whilst everyone was beyond excited for it, again, you want to know why? Well I will tell you, this girl has to wear hoodies all year round, or bracelets or elastic bands. This is because, unless it is around people who really knew this girl she was ashamed of letting people see the scars of her past! So, to this girl the word ‘Death’ isn’t scary at all, as some days it was comforting to her….
I guess you’re wondering who this girl is, or you might’ve already guessed the ending. Before I tell you who it is, this girl wants you to remember that so much can hide behind a smile. She can smile and tell you she is happy and most of you would believe her, because you didn’t see the pain in her eyes. She would be quiet and overrun by thoughts, but most of you would believe that she was simply tired. This girl could look anxious and she would still manage to reassure everyone she was okay. Finally, people really need to stop saying that the pain someone is going through is for attention, because the stigma is horrible!
So I will now tell you how I know this one girl… This girl who I am writing about is ME!! But no, I am not doing this for attention I am doing this because if I achieve one thing in life it is to stop the stigma around mental health. Just please always remember, looks can be deceiving!
Stay Safe everyone, my inbox is always open if you need me💜
“I Guess that is the point of it all, no one knows the impact they have on the lives of other people” ~Hannah Baker~💔